Who Said English is Easy ?

LOL :D

Men In Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. And I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

lol funny Singh Jokes :))

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America . A lady came
and asked him, " Are you relax-ing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta
Singh". Another guy came and asked the him the same question. Singh
answered, "No No Me Banta Singh!" Third one came and asked him the
same question again.
Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While
walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him
and asked, "Are you Relaxing? The other Singh was a lot more educated
and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said, "Stupid, idiot. Everyone
is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"

****************************

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint
Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in
education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective
heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered... 1. The two days
of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow. 2. There are
12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even
though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds
in a year?"

The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March
2nd,etc.." Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

*********************************

Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low
all around his living room. Jasmeet : "What are you searching for?"
Santa : "Hidden cameras!" Jasmeet : "And what makes you think that
there are hidden cameras here?" Santa : "That guy on TV knows exactly
what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are
watching CNN'. How does he know that?"

**********************************

Having lost his donkey a Singh, got down to his knees and started
thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, "Your donkey is missing;
what are you thanking God for ?" The Singh replied "I am thanking Him
for seeing to it that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time,
otherwise I would have been missing too."

**********************************

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the
question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then
removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks
and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and
asks what is going on. Oye, I am only following the instructions
here"! It says here "Answer the following questions in brief".

*************************************

Two Singhs were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like
hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one said, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my
finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was
stonished and asked the other, Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

**************************************

A Singh goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to
wash hands but starts washing the basin instead.
The manager comes running and asks him, "Mr. Singh, what are you
doing?"
To this the man replies," Oye, see the board here ---" Wash Basin ".

Funny Thing About Dato Seri Samy Vellu

Dato Seri Samy Vellu finally and officially resigned from his post as the longest MIC President ever, after leading the party for almost 31 years. Frankly, I will miss him very much especially for all the funny quotes he made all these years. Like what our Prime Minister said in the 2010 Barisan Nasional Conference, “We will miss DS Samy Vellu because he add a lot of color … sometimes a bit too much color”. Therefore, as a token of appreciation, I just wanna share some of the more famous quotes ever made by the one and only, Samy Vellu.

1. Samy Velu quoted on Pos Laju:
"Besoh kirim, hari ini juga sampai"

2. On one TV news when he tried to say he felt very ashamed:
"Ini prekara sangat memalukan saya dan kemaluan saya sangat-sangat la besar"

3. Samy said in one of his “ceramah”:
"Kita akan bina satu jambatan wuntuk worang2 kampong di sini." Then one pakcik asked, "Datuk, sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan?" And Samy gloriously replied, "Kalao takde sungai, kita bina sungai"

4. Samy's most favourite quote on the news for the decade is this:
"Toll naik sikit, banyak marah saya. You worang ingat semua ini toll saya punyer bapah punya kah!”

5. During water crisis:
"Semua worang diminta jangan membuang aiyerr!"

6. On social society's problem:
"Worang2 muda sekarang banyak suka hisap dade"

7. During blood donation's program at Sungai Siput:
"Marilah kita semua menderma dare"

8. His welcome speech in most of his functions:
"Selamat datang saudara-mara semua" (It should have been “saudara-saudari”)

9. During the height of the Al-Arqam's saga, he said in a press conference:
"Saya gumbira bahawa didapati tiada pemuda MIC terlibat dalam kes Arqam"

10. At an opening ceremony for a new building:
"Mempersilakan Datin Paduka Rafidah Aziz naik dari pentas wuntuk membuka kain"

And of course the world's greatest joke of all times:

"Kita akan bina roket pigi matahari." One of the reporter responded, "Tapi Datuk, matahari terlalu panas untuk didekati." Samy replied, "Itu tade masalah. Kita hantar waktu malam"

There you are folks. For DS Samy Vellu, we wish you all the best!

An Idiots Guide To Marketing In Malaysia

Samy Vellu sees a gorgeous girl at a party.
He goes up to her and says: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

Mukhriz sees a gorgeous girl at a party.
One of his loyal UMNO friends goes up to her and pointing
At Mukhriz and says: "He's very rich. Marry him!"
That's Advertising.

Khir Toyo sees a gorgeous girl at a party.
He goes up to her and gets her telephone number.
The next day, he calls and says: "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me!"
That's Telemarketing.

Khairy is at a party and sees a gorgeous girl.
He gets up and straightens his tie, walks up to her and pours her a drink, he opens the door (of the car) for her, picks up her bag after she drops it, offers her ride and then says: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you Marry Me?"
That's Public Relations.

Razak Baginda is at a party and sees a gorgeous girl.
The girl walks up to him and says:
"You are very rich! Can you marry me?"
That's Brand Recognition.

Syed Hamid sees a gorgeous girl at a party.
He goes up to her and says: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
She gives Hamid a tight slap on his face.
That's Customer Feedback.

Not satisfied, Hamid goes to see another gorgeous girl at a party.
He goes up to her and says: "I am very rich. Marry me!"
And she introduces Hamid to her husband.
That's Demand and Supply gap.

Abdullah sees a gorgeous girl at a party.
He goes up to her and before he can say anything,
Another person comes and tells her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?"
And she goes with him.
That's competition eating into your market share.

And finally Najib sees a gorgeous girl at a party.
He goes up to her and before he can say: "I'm rich, Marry me!"
Rosmah arrives!
That's restriction from entering a new market.

SOALAN BOCOR SPM 2011 ( MATEMATIK ) SUDAH TERSEBAR DENGAN LUAS

Ehehhh , percaya tak bahawa soalan Matematik SPM dah bocor dan dah tersebar dengan umum ?
Tak percaya ? tengok dekat bawah.

JGN LUPA STUDY YEEERRR !

hahahhahahahahahhahahaahhaha :P

Spider-dog . LOL

"Spider-dog, Spider-dog. does whatever Spider-dog does. Can he swing from a web ? no he can't, he's a dog. look oouuut he's the Spider-dog". LMAO. :))

how bout this one, Hot Dog ;P

hahahhaa

lol

may the force be with you MJ :P

HAHA

HAHAHA

another bean flick spread wide.

lol first was the mona lisa, then it was lara croft, then osama bin laden and noww...

AVATAR.

hahahaha

Letter to Tech Support =D

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and PremierLeague 7.2. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:

Desperate Wife

- - - - -Reply Separator- - - - -

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause damage, with Husband 1.0 defaulting to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files.

Be especially cautious about the HotChik virus – it’s programmed to corrupt Husband 1.0 utterly (as well as all future Husband upgrades).

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Qualifiying for heaven =D

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. “1,228,” he answered.

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Blonde's Dieting Plan =D

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, from skipping.

What is the true definition of Globalization? =D

Question: What is the true definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's Death

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by andoctor, using Brazilian medicines. This message is sent to you using Bill Gates’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Chinese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Pakistani lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal…..

That, my friend, is Globalization!

Blonde Suicide Attempt ! =D

I remember back in 1995 i went over to my neighbors house. She was a blonde and for some reason she was mad at the world. She was in the bathroom and the door was locked. I said, “Come on, you know you don’t want to do this!” She said, “I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyway.” For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door. She had a rope tied to her ankles.

I asked “Aren’t you trying to hang yourself?”

“Yes, what’s your point?”

“Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks”

“Yeah well, I tried that, But then I couldn’t breathe.”

New Versions of Popular Quote! =D

ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she never was…..

MODERN DAY VERSIONS

Pessimist
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was

Optimist
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
If she doesn’t come back, you were right all this time.

Impatient
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time forget her.

Patient
If you love someone, Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back,
continue to wait until she comes back …

Playful
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ….

C++ Programmer
if (you-love( m_she))
m_she.free()
if (m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second
Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom

Biologist
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Statisticians
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn’t, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Schwarzenegger’s fans
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Over possessive person
If you love someone don’t set her free.

MBA
If you love someone set her free instantaneously and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn’t come back her id is supreme
If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

Somnabulist
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it’s a nightmare
If she doesn’t, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn’t, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn’t, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new market

Free Haircut! =D

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the e barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Boss =D

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND,
YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

He replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."

Moral of the story, be nice to your staff.

p.s: don't ever send this to your boss ..!!!

Bets ! =D

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, $165,000! and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around.

Where did you get this money? The old lady replied, “I make bets”. The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

Next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

Funny Warning Labels

Some actual label instruction on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping.”
(Gee, but that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.

On a bang of Fritos:
“You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(And that would be how…?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
“Serving Suggestion: Defrost.”
(But it’s just a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
“Do not turn upside down.”
(A little late for that warning!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
“Product will be hot after heating.”
(I never would have guessed that one)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
“Do not iron clothes on body.”
(But wouldn’t this save everyone a little more time?)

On Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(And I was taking this because….)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(As opposed to what other uses?)

On a Japanese food processor:
“Not to be used for the other use.”
(I gotta admit, I’m curious - what other use???.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
“Warning: contains nuts.”
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(ane let me guess….Fly Delta?)

On a child’s Superman Costume:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)